A Crack in the Wall

Walls...walls are good. They define land boundaries, keep criminals far way, or simply hold up the roof of a home. We see them everyday made from many things, but each one conveys the same, STRENGTH. So, it's no wonder that we build them up in our hearts, after all, what better way to protect and care for ourselves from a world that all to often offers pain.

 

At least, that's why I build them, and I've been building them for a long time. I learned at a young age that I can shut out everything from the pain of not having a dad around, or living in an abusive home, or losing a favorite Aunt. It was only when I came to know Christ Jesus as my hope and savior did those walls begin to fall away. I would, over time, learn that hugs can be normal and tears are good. I thank my God for doing this work in me, it makes me a better mom, a better wife, and a better friend. 

 

So you could imagine my surprise when I realized this summer that I had begun constructing a new wall some time ago. It hit me that we have been going to Grace Baptist for two years and I'm not volunteering in a ministry, have not begun member classes, have not reached out and befriended girls from our weekly (when we could make it) Grace Group, have not sought out discipleship, or even joined a Bible Study - in short, I have set myself up to be an island, set apart from the Body.

 

At first I made excuses for my distant behavior like "I'm to busy, I work full time" or "I've got two little ones, who would watch them" or my favorite, "Come on, most people would agree that this is just not the 'season'". I refused to believe that my "wall" was anything more then a "healthy boundary". Thankfully I serve a God who desires what's best for me, not what's easy (Romans 8:28). He kept prying at me, poking that sensitive spot I refused to look at, the wound that I was trying to ignore, because like my sweet girl Hannah, if we don't look at our cuts, they don't hurt so much, right? But we know, that just like our fleshly wounds, if we don't address them they wont heal correctly, and at times can lead to infection and even death. The Lord understands this, it's why He refuses to leave us in that state.

 

My hurt is a simple one, I think maybe even common, the loss of a dear friend, a best friend, a sister from another mother. And no, I don't mean the physical death of a friend, but the death of a friendship. I won't go into to much of the detail as the context of the fallout effected many people, and truth be told I still love my dear friend deeply and pray for her often. It's still my hope that God will reconcile the relationship. The short of end of the story is I chose to submit to my husband, the leader of my family, in an a decision that neither choice was a sin, so I knew I could submit to him. The choice we made as a couple was what we felt was the best for our growing family, but we knew it would probably cause a bit of hurt on both sides. However, I never expected that choice would sever a 10 year friendship, more over I was surprised how much it would hurt. I cried for days, and then one day I just stopped - all emotion. 

 

I began to do what I normally do, work it all out, reason everything away, and close the chapter. And then I got to work on building up a monster of a wall, made my human hands. I shut out my loving friends, Amber, Kiley, Sara, and even began shutting out the Lord. Maybe I was mad Him for taking away my friend, after all it seemed like I was being punished for doing what I am called to do as a wife. Or maybe I didn't want Him to keep poking at that blasted wound. I even began to resent my husband. Brick by brick I build a structure that seemed indestructible. I would never let someone hurt me again in that way, I would never get close enough, and that's strength, right? I could even justify it biblically, after all doesn't the Bible say "Above all else, guard your heart.."(Proverbs 4:23)? I was just guarding myself so that I would keep from harm and focus on kingdom work. Sounds good, huh? Wrong! I was keeping my self from doing kingdom work. God should me that I was not only keeping out all Suffering, but I was keeping out all the Good He had for me. When we build walls, we keep EVERYTHING out, and miss out on what He has planned for us.

 

 

So why tonight of all nights did I write this? Well, a crack began to fracture this wall tonight. In truth it began on Saturday when I decided to volunteer in the Nursery on an off night 'cause, well, they just needed help, and by doing so I was encouraged by my co-volunteer to try out the Women of Grace Bible Study on Tuesday nights. For the first time in a long time tonight, I nervously met new women, and committed myself to joining a ministry. Oh, let me just say I sweated profusely as I drove over to church tonight and I kept trying to come up with reasons why I should just go ahead and turn around. I'm glad I didn't though, because something good is beginning to awaken in my heart, and that's exciting.

 

I know I have a ways to go, and it's going to be messy. I'm going to meet people who aren't like me, women who have different passions, make friends that don't develop deeper then the surface of life's going-ons, but possibly make friendships that go deep and last a life time. I'm going to work in ministries and at times fail miserably but at other times allow God to do great things through me. I'm going to once again be an active participate in the Body of Christ, and that feels me with joy.

 

Lord,

Work in me, change my heart, make me others minded, break down my wall, allow me let my guard down, to be real with people, and to allow only the peace of God to protect my heart, in the only way a heart can stay whole and open and at peace at all times. Lord, may I become the woman in Christ you desire me to be so that I may used by You to bring You glory! I desire Your true revival of the heart!  

Amen

 

"And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:7 

Fear of Man

It has been over a year since I last blogged. I haven't written because for me when I know I am refusing to adhere to the Lord's commands, I often feel as though I have no idea which way is up or down. That was this last season for me. I will not write the specifics of the trials we faced, I don't believe that would bring much profit, and I would hate to cause any pain to the parties involved. I will say after lengthy prayer, council, and study of His Word, I realize that the trials we largely faced was in part to my fleshly desire to please man, instead of chiefly desiring to please God.
Oh how great the need - to please others, to have others "like" me, to not disappoint, to keep from causing strife - how these needs often determine what I do. This fleshly need can often out way the very truth that I am loved dearly by an Almighty God. It's sad really. And I know I am not the only one who struggle with this compulsive need, that's why in part I am writing this.

I was thankful to friends that have faithfully pointed me back to scripture time and time again, asking me to plainly and prayerfully read it. They encouraged me to then act as to the very convictions the Lord placed on my heart. I was often reminded by this passage, "The fear of man brings a snare,But he who trusts in the LORD will be exalted" (Proverbs 29:25), and what a snare I laid for myself! Paul understood that we may have times we contend with others when he wrote, "So then, brethren, stand your ground, and hold fast to the teachings which you have received from us," (2 Thessalonians 2:15) for there may be times we will have to stand firm in our convictions, and in doing so stay clear of any snares. 


And what a God I have, that even in this season He would bless me with His discipline or teaching. Hebrews 12:3-13 says:

"Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted. ⁴ In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. ⁵ And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?

“My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord,

    nor be weary when reproved by him.⁶ For the Lord disciplines the one he loves,    and chastises every son whom he receives.”

⁷ It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? ⁸ If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons.⁹ Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject tothe Father of spirits and live? ¹⁰ For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. ¹¹  For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.¹² Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, ¹³ and make straight paths for your feet,"

So what small and wonderful trinkets of truth has He placed inside my heart? Well, first He has reminded me that perfect love is found only in Him (1 John 4:9). I need not look for it else where for it doesn't exist - people do fail us, but God never will. This frees me from the burden of working for the love of people. I am only commissioned to Love God, and Love Others.

Secondly, this season I have learned that counsel apart from God's word often proves little help, and more often can even be destructive. 2 Tim. 3:16-17 says, "All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching,rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work." God knew what He was doing when He gave us the Bible, we don't have to twist, ignore, or distort His truth in order that we may have new teachings because we fear His way won't work. His timing is perfect, and we need merely to trust him and live His way.


Finally, I believe He has really taught me to trust Him with everything - including finances. I have prayed often for opportunity to live by faith, but I never gave Him the opportunity to show Himself. It took God having to take away my job, and for me to be rejected again and again, for me to finally get to say - GOD PROVIDES! NOT I! Eric and I have had to put aside pride in order to accept help, and we have had to lean SOLELY on the Lord when when didn't know how we going to pay our bills this month. And it has been the toughest to find Joy even in this seemingly hopeless situation. God knew we were probably never going to give up our control over our finances, so He had to take it back forcefully, and I am ever thankful He did! (Small note - He has provided future finances through a job offer I finally received, which came only after I finally got to the place of praying His Will Be Done, instead of asking for a job.)


So life now seems well - peaceful. We're not worried about money, and are eager to even tithe - with or with jobs. Eric and I have come together to search God's scriptures and to pray like never before. I have a new view of God's love for me, and I am eager for God's will in my life, and not my own - for my fear and love for Him, though never enough to repay the work of the Cross, is so much more then it's ever been. 

  

A Ship Without A Captain

As of late, life has become a sequence of half hazard events, leaving me tired and worn out. In the fatigue of it all I've had to ask myself how has life become so chaotic? The superficial answer of course is I am a procrastinator and have a hard time with living intentionally. Through the fellowship of friends, prayer and scripture, a deeper understanding of self has emerged: My PRIDE enables me from viewing myself a SINNER. Oh yes, I have healthy view of SIN, and I can even say, "I sin! Everyday in fact!". The problem is how I reconcile with my sin. For certain I know I have been saved from an eternity of suffering by the workings of Christ on the Cross. It was another great treasure that I failed to see; which is, I am a Sinner who is need of Salvation EVERYDAY.

Psalm 25:8-9 says "Good and upright is the Lord; therefore he instructs sinners in the way. He leads the humble in what is right, and teaches the humble his way."  

Everyday when I choose not to look to him for that teaching, it is out of my pride that ultimately say I don't need Him! Certainly I can be a wonderful wife, a caring friend, a loving mother, and run a ministry all on my own! And in this boat of pride sailing along the chaotic sea of life by boat begins to fall apart, and it's not long until I'm drowning trying on my own to keep it together.  

Praise be to God, that He loves a sinner like me, that he chooses to rescue me out of the wreckage. It is only when we sail a ship where Christ is our captain, that we can life a life of peace and joy, a life of purpose.

Lord, 

 Instruct me a sinner, remind me that it is only in that humility that I can be lead in Your way! 

Amen  

The Sufferings of Good Friday

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.”

2 Corinthians 1:3-5

As Easter is quickly approaching, I know just how easy it is to pass over Good Friday. One reason may be the hustle and bustle of preparing Easter baskets, painting eggs, and making sure our “best dress” is cleaned and pressed. I think the other reason, may be that it is a hard thing to think too long on the brutal torture and death our Savior.

To look upon that image reminds us that it was our sin that nailed Him to the cross; it was our iniquities that He bore the insults, and it was for our faults He willing took upon Him the lashes. It was because of us He suffered, and was forsaken by a father whom He loved greatly. How is it that we can look on such an image and not feel angst and remorse?

And just as easily we hurry past this mood point in history, we find it even harder to remind ourselves that we too should “share abundantly” in Christ’s suffering. We should expect to suffer in our Christian life for the sake of others, just as He did for us. For it is when we suffer, we are completely comforted by Christ, in order that we may comfort others in their own affliction.

We could seek a life of ease and tranquility, but how would we ever know the true peace that only Christ can give, let alone pass that peace on to others?

Let us take time to dwell on the death Christ, and He’s long suffering. Let us remind ourselves it was because He loved us that our sin upon himself. Let us then be a people who share in that suffering in order to know Him more. Let us be a people known to the world as comforters and peacemakers.

Heavenly Father, forgive me for often seeking my own pleasure and comfort instead of seeking your will in my life. Lord Jesus thank you for the death on the cross that whipped away my sins, there shell never be enough words to tell you how truly grateful I am. Lord, may I be reminded that you can use me greatly in any and all suffering this life may bring, and that it is for the blessings of others that I may walk though trials. And may I never think so proudly that the small trails I may endure compare to those of your Son.
Amen

A thought from Sally Clarkson

I read Sally Clarkson's blog (http://www.itakejoy.com/) this morning and was inspired by her following thoughts:

Do you wake up TO your kids or FOR your kids?



I used to wake up grumpy. And bothered. And annoyed. And a whole lot of other synonyms for c-r-a-n-k-y.


Why? Because I was consistently yanked from my quiet, peaceful, cozy sleep by children dive bombing onto my bed and drilling me with questions:


“Mommy, mommy!!!!! Can I get some Cheerios?”


“Mommy, mommy!!!!! I need to go potty!!!”


“Mommy, mommy!!! She took my toy!!”


I woke up on the defensive every morning and I spent the first hour of the day just trying to get back to neutral ground. Somedays I never recovered and spent the entire day in grouchy-land.


I knew something had to change.


I decided it was time to stop waking up TO my kids and time to start waking up FOR them.


THE TRANSFORMATION


So I began getting up BEFORE my kids. I spent time reading the word, worshipping and praying for my husband and children.


It transformed me and our home.


Taking that time to let God encourage me and envision me changed the outlook for my days. When my attitude changed, my children’s attitudes changed.


Sometimes I’d even share with them the things I had prayed for them that morning.


To my 8 year old daughter:


“Good morning precious! You know, this morning, I thanked God for your passion for His Word. I love how you enjoy reading the Bible. You inspire me. This morning I prayed that you would always have a passion for His Truth.”


To my 6 year old daughter:


“Good morning lovely! You know, I’m so proud of you. Yesterday, I saw how you helped your brother and how you spent most of your afternoon trying to teach him to read. You have so much compassion. This morning I prayed that God would use your gift of compassion in amazing ways.


To my 3 year old boy:


“Good morning, my little man!!! You look so big and strong today! This morning I prayed that you would be a super hero for Jesus!!! I prayed that He would use you to fight for those in need. I prayed that you would grow up to be a man of justice.”


Now I don’t always say things like that to them each morning, but that time with the Lord puts that perspective and vision in my heart for them.


When I woke up TO my children I started the day cranky.


When I woke up FOR my children I started the day cheering them on.


If you were my child, which version of me would you want?

HOW DO YOU WAKE UP?


What kind of mom are you in the morning? What kind of mom do you think your kids want?


Even just 5 minutes of focusing on Jesus and praying for our kids can make a huge difference.


So let’s make friends with our alarm clocks. Let’s stop getting up TO our children and start getting up FOR them.


Not sure what to pray for your kids? Here is a free prayer calendar that features a different prayer topic for each day of the month.

http://www.inspiredtoaction.com/wp-content/uploads/kat/I2A_Prayer_Calendar.pdf

TIME TO TAKE ACTION
What time do you need to set your alarm clock for in order to wake up FOR your children?

When We Hurt

It’s a funny thing; I can still remember the time I came to know Christ shortly after having to deal with a very painful chapter in my life. I remember the feeling of bliss as I experienced Christ’s love for me, drinking it in as much as I could, never thinking that pain would come my way once more. But I have known pain since becoming a believer. And I continue to hurt because what I realize now is this, we believers are called to continue to suffer, because until the day the Lord returns we continue to live in a fallen world with fallen people who can hurt our fallen flesh. My question is this, how do I glorify God when hurt comes my way?

This topic has come up a lot lately, and as usual, God has caused me to think on my own relationships that have caused me much grief. Why did I feel wounded, and how did I respond? I wish I could say I responded in a Holy manner; however it shames me to say I often responded in less then constructive ways, more over often in sinful ways.

The one relationship that comes to mind (and for the sake of grace, I’ll leave out who this person is), is one where I continue to struggle in. This person often says hurtful things to others about me, shows little consideration for me, and blames me for much of their life choices. Needless to say, I have struggled with feelings of bitterness, contentment and at times hatred for this person. So, as one can imagine, I certainly have not always responded in ways of that would glorify the Lord.

Over the years I have responded by being defensive, or attacking them. At times I have ignored the problem, or have even blamed myself for the way they have treated me. I have shunned them, and have called it a “healthy boundary”. I have even slandered their name and simply called it “seeking council”. Over the years I have acquired this set of tools in order to try to protect my self from the hurt. The interesting thing about these tools is they have done very little to shield me from the pain, and if anything have put a wall between the very healing that only Christ can offer.

So how do we live in a world where pain and persecution is at every turn? I think the first step is to trade in the glasses of the world for Kingdom lenses. The apostle Paul tells us that “indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted” (1Tim.3:12). We should expect that people will persecute us, after all Christ was persecuted. And even if we suffer, we should then find contentment for His sake (2 Corinthians 12:10). We need to realize that since we have died to ourselves, and it is Christ who lives in us (Gal.2:20) that when others attack us, it is Christ first and foremost whom they attack (John15:18).

After we have reshaped our view of the world through Kingdom lenses, we should seek to respond to persecution, attacks, and hurt in the very way Christ has shown us. In the Gospels, we see Jesus confronting sin, however never without grace and always with mercy offered. It also appears that despite their response to Christ, He continues to loves them, offering the greatest gift of love – His own life.

Finally, we are given great instruction from the Apostles on how to treat those that harm us. We are to follow the example given in 1 Peter 2:23 which says not even the Lord Jesus reviled in return, though insults were thrown at Him. In Romans 12 we are told we should bless those that curse us and never repay evil with evil, and in as much as we possibly can – keep peace. Further we are instructed to love our enemy (Luke 6:27) pray for him (Matt.5:44), and forgive them (Colo.3:13). We can do so knowing that it does not mean God is not a God of Justice, for God declares that vengeance is His (Rom.12). He will judge rightly on that last Day of Atonement, so we need not be the judges of here and now.

Glorifying God when being persecuted or harmed by others is not an easy task. We will fail from time to time as we continue to contend with our flesh, yet thankfully Christ offers to us His mercy and grace. The very purpose of responding like Christ during these trials it is so all the world may see Him, simply put, another way we proclaim His name. And, if our one and great commission is to go out and make disciples, we will do so not just by passing out Bibles or serving on Sunday mornings, but through how we respond to hurt.

Lord, let me be your servant who desires to pour out all of me! Let my eyes be glued to Your Kingdom that I may not be so easily offended. Help me to not be so consumed with ME that I create walls that only hinder instead of heal. May I seek you to be my protector and my avenger. Remind me that I too am a sinner, undeserving of your grace and love, but it is for your Glory that you choose to love us all, including my enemy. Create in me to be a peacemaker, help me to love freely, and offer nothing but blessings to those who harm me. In the end, Lord, may the world see you, not me. And Lord, forgive me for my sin as I have not always treated those with love, kindness, and grace.

In your Son’s Holy Name,
Amen

Writing Out My Struggles

So I have decided to dive in and share my life in a very open way, because I realized that when others have done so it has caused me to take pause and reflect on my life. This has been extremely helpful as I grow in Christ and though I don't have everything figured out (and never will) I can only imagine that some of the things I'm tackling  others out there may be dealing with too. And I would love to hear feed back, because like I said before, I'm just another work in progress!